Surviving The Holidays: Boundaries to Protect Your Peace

Surviving the Holidays When Family Conflict and Trauma Resurface

We just celebrated Thanksgiving in Canada last week and while this is a much smaller holiday than Christmas, many of my clients experienced difficulties that surfaced because of the holidays. Some people were feeling apprehensive because Christmas holidays are around the corner and their family conflicts and histories came to the surface, reminding them that things might get more difficult in December. The Christmas holidays can be a time of joy, but for many, they also bring up memories and experiences of family conflict and past trauma. If you’re struggling with the idea of spending time with family this holiday season, you’re not alone. Family dynamics and unresolved trauma can make Christmas stressful and overwhelming. With all of that in mind, I have a few suggestions for how to navigate this challenging time while prioritizing your mental health and well-being.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

Christmas can often come with the expectation of a “perfect holiday” where everyone gets along and family conflicts magically disappear. In reality, that’s not always possible, especially if past trauma or unresolved issues are involved. Setting realistic expectations can help reduce stress. Focus on managing your own experience rather than trying to fix family dynamics that are beyond your control. A realistic expectation might be “to enjoy a delicious dinner all around the same table”, or “I am going to walk away if my family member makes a negative comment rather than fight about it”. 

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when dealing with toxic family dynamics or past trauma. Here’s how you can protect your well-being:

• Time Boundaries: Decide in advance how long you’ll attend family gatherings. Arrive and leave on your terms to minimize stress.
• Emotional Boundaries: Identify topics you’re comfortable discussing and those that are off-limits. It’s okay to say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.”
• Physical Boundaries: Allow yourself to take breaks if you feel overwhelmed. Step outside or retreat to a quiet space to collect your thoughts and reset.

3. Plan Your Self-Care Strategy

When dealing with family conflict or trauma, self-care becomes your best tool for coping. Here are some strategies:

• Prepare a Self-Soothing Kit: Bring comforting items like a book, journal, or soothing music. These can help ground you when emotions rise.
• Practice Mindfulness and Deep Breathing: These techniques can help you stay present and reduce anxiety in the moment. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer quick exercises that can be helpful.
• Build a Support System: Reach out to friends, a therapist, or an online support group during the holidays. Knowing someone is there for you can provide immense relief.

4. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings

It’s normal to experience a range of emotions when family dynamics are at play—whether it’s sadness, anger, or anxiety. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel conflicted. This might sound something like this: “I am feeling really sad because my family has a lot of unresolved conflict and I wish we could resolve it and be closer. It’s okay for me to be sad and wish that things were different”. 

5. Find Moments of Joy Amid the Stress

Even when family gatherings feel heavy, finding small moments of joy can offer relief. Consider engaging in activities you love—whether it’s baking, decorating, or watching holiday movies. These moments can bring comfort and help shift the focus from the stress of family dynamics. You can create new traditions for yourself that hold joy, rather than forcing yourself to try to enjoy past experiences that hold hurt. This might include spending time with friends doing a friends-mas party or gift exchange, buying yourself a present that you have always wanted, spending a day doing all of your favourite holiday traditions with yourself or a loved one, or thinking outside of the box and deciding to celebrate whichever way you feel like this year! 

6. Know When to Step Away

Sometimes, the healthiest option is to step away from a triggering situation. It’s okay to:

• Leave a family gathering if it becomes too overwhelming.
• Spend Christmas in a way that feels safe for you, such as celebrating with friends or chosen family.
• Plan an alternative holiday that allows you to create new, positive traditions.

7. Seek Professional Support for Family Conflict and Trauma

If you’re finding the holiday season especially difficult due to unresolved trauma or family conflict, connecting with a therapist can be helpful. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping strategies, and build resilience. Seeking professional support can be an important step in protecting your mental health and well-being during the holidays. I’d recommend being proactive with your therapy appointments, both preparing in therapy before your holidays and then having a session booked afterwards. Therapists fill up during the end of the year, so chat with your therapist now to make sure you have a spot!

What Now?

The holidays don’t have to be perfect, and they don’t have to look like the “ideal Christmas” portrayed on social media, even if we wish they could be that way. We can tend to put a lot of pressure to fix family conflict and heal our trauma all on one day, which sometimes can make things even more difficult!  It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and create boundaries that protect your mental health. If you’re struggling with family conflict or trauma, know that you’re not alone. There are ways to make this holiday season more manageable, and professional support is available to help you navigate this time. Our team would love to support you in preparing for the holidays in a way that can still hold joy and peace for yourself. Reach out to us today to schedule a counselling session with our team!