How to Navigate Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles in a Relationship

In my work as a relationship counsellor I often talk about attachment styles and attachment theory with my clients. Attachment theory, originally proposed by John Bowlby, suggests that the way we bonded with our primary caregivers as children shapes how we connect with others in adulthood. From my work I have also seen how we can have a secure attachment with one type of relationship (i.e. family) and an insecure attachment style with different relationships – like our romantic partner. This can occur because of negative or difficulty experiences in previous romantic relationships. Two of the most well-known attachment styles are the anxious and avoidant types. When these two types enter into a romantic relationship, their differences can create challenges but also opportunities for growth and mutual understanding. In this blog post, I’ll share the most common dynamics of anxious-avoidant relationships that I see, their common pitfalls, shared experiences, and the work that needs to be done for these relationships to thrive.

Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles

Before diving into the nuances of these relationships, let’s briefly outline what defines anxious and avoidant attachment styles:

• Anxious Attachment Style: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and tend to seek constant reassurance from their partners. They may feel insecure in relationships, worry about their partner’s commitment, and have a heightened sensitivity to emotional cues. Their core fear is the loss of love and connection, and they can sometimes be perceived as clingy or needy.
• Avoidant Attachment Style: Those with an avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, tend to be more self-reliant and may view emotional closeness as threatening. They often distance themselves from intimate situations, either physically or emotionally, to protect their independence and avoid vulnerability. Their core fear is engulfment or losing their sense of autonomy.

At first glance, these two attachment styles may seem fundamentally incompatible. However, it’s surprisingly common for anxious and avoidant people to end up in relationships with each other – and the reason that I thought that this topic needed a blog of it’s own!

Why Anxious and Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other

The anxious-avoidant pairing is often referred to as the “anxious-avoidant trap.” It’s also the most common relationship pairing I have seen in my clients and people I meet in my personal life. While the dynamic can be fraught with misunderstandings and unmet needs, the pairing persists for a few key reasons:

1. Familiarity: For both the anxious and avoidant person, the emotional dynamics feel familiar. An anxious partner may have experienced inconsistent caregiving as a child, while the avoidant partner might have been raised in a more emotionally distant environment. As adults, they unconsciously recreate these patterns in their relationships.
2. Fulfillment of Core Desires: The anxious person craves intimacy and attention, and when the avoidant partner offers moments of closeness, it temporarily satisfies this need. Conversely, the avoidant person, though typically distant, may appreciate the nurturing or caregiving nature of the anxious partner, at least when it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
3. Challenge and Growth: The anxious person wants more closeness, and the avoidant person desires more space. This dynamic creates a push-pull effect, which can be both frustrating and engaging for both parties. On some level, each partner may believe that they can “change” the other, creating a sense of challenge or purpose in the relationship.

Common Pitfalls of the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

Despite the initial attraction, the anxious-avoidant pairing is often rife with conflict. The key issues usually stem from unmet emotional needs and a lack of effective communication. Here are some common pitfalls:

1. The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle: One of the most well-known dynamics in anxious-avoidant relationships is the pursuer-withdrawer cycle. The anxious partner often seeks more connection and intimacy, which leads them to pursue the avoidant partner. This pursuit, however, triggers the avoidant partner’s fear of losing independence, causing them to withdraw or shut down emotionally. This, in turn, exacerbates the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading to even more pursuit to seek the assurance and security they are yearning for. The cycle can continue indefinitely if both partners remain unaware of the pattern. Or, if this couple breaks up the anxious partner often feels that the other person couldn’t give them what they needed, while the avoidant partner often feels that the anxious partner was asking for too much.
2. Miscommunication: Anxious and avoidant individuals often have different communication styles. The anxious partner may express their concerns using emotional language and focusing on their feelings, which to the avoidant partner can sometimes feel too intense. The avoidant partner, valuing emotional distance, may not respond in the way the anxious partner needs, leading to feelings of rejection or neglect.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: Both partners may find themselves emotionally drained over time. The anxious partner feels they are constantly fighting for connection, while the avoidant partner feels they are always defending their independence. This emotional tug-of-war can be exhausting and may lead to resentment on both sides.
4. Reinforcing Negative Beliefs: Unfortunately, the anxious-avoidant dynamic can reinforce negative self-beliefs for both individuals. The anxious partner may believe that they are too needy or unlovable because their partner seems distant. The avoidant partner may feel that intimacy is inherently suffocating and that they cannot meet their partner’s needs without losing themselves.

Common Experiences in the Relationship

Despite the challenges, there are shared experiences that anxious and avoidant individuals often encounter in their relationships:

1. Intense Highs and Lows: The push-pull dynamic creates emotional peaks and valleys. When the avoidant partner offers moments of closeness, the anxious partner feels validated and reassured. Conversely, when the avoidant partner distances themselves, the anxious partner feels rejected, leading to emotional turbulence. This rollercoaster effect can make the relationship feel passionate yet unstable.
2. Moments of Connection: While the relationship can be challenging, there are moments of genuine connection. The anxious partner’s deep desire for intimacy can, at times, draw the avoidant partner out of their shell. Conversely, the avoidant partner’s calm and measured approach can provide a grounding influence for the anxious partner, leading to brief but meaningful periods of harmony.
3. Repetitive Patterns: Over time, both partners may notice that the same arguments and issues tend to resurface. These patterns can feel frustrating and unresolvable, but they also serve as a signal that deeper work is needed. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle.

The Strengths of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

While anxious-avoidant relationships are often framed in terms of their difficulties, they also offer significant potential for growth and learning. Here are some strengths that can arise from this pairing:

1. Learning About Boundaries: The avoidant partner’s need for space can teach the anxious partner about the importance of emotional boundaries. Anxious individuals may learn that it’s okay to be independent and that they don’t need constant reassurance to feel secure in a relationship.
2. Emotional Depth: The anxious partner’s emotional expressiveness can encourage the avoidant partner to explore their own feelings more deeply. While avoidant individuals tend to shy away from vulnerability, their anxious partner can help them open up in ways they might not have done otherwise.
3. Resilience: Both partners can develop greater resilience as they learn to navigate their differences. Over time, they may become more attuned to each other’s needs and more skilled at managing emotional ups and downs.

What Both Partners Need to Do to Thrive

For anxious-avoidant relationships to succeed, both individuals must commit to growth and self-awareness. Here are some essential steps that each partner can take:

For the Anxious Partner:

1. Develop Self-Soothing Techniques: The anxious partner needs to learn how to regulate their own emotions without always relying on their partner for reassurance. Techniques such as mindfulness, journaling, or therapy can help manage anxiety and reduce the impulse to pursue.
2. Cultivate Independence: Anxious individuals can benefit from developing a stronger sense of self outside the relationship. This might involve pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or engaging in activities that foster personal growth. The anxious partner can build up their sense of self and self-esteem by learning “I am good enough as I am” and “I am not too much for myself”.
3. Communicate Needs Clearly: Rather than seeking reassurance through emotional intensity, the anxious partner can learn to express their needs more calmly and directly. This can help avoid overwhelming the avoidant partner while still addressing core concerns. Learning distress tolerance skills, engaging in therapy, looking at the root causes of the anxious attachment can be great places to start.

For the Avoidant Partner:

1. Learn to Tolerate Vulnerability: Avoidant partners can work on embracing vulnerability rather than avoiding it. This might involve sharing feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable, and recognizing that emotional closeness doesn’t have to mean a loss of independence.
2. Practice Emotional Availability: The avoidant partner can try to be more emotionally available to their anxious partner. This might involve being more present during conversations, offering physical affection, or simply acknowledging their partner’s feelings without withdrawing.
3. Set Boundaries with Compassion: It’s important for the avoidant partner to set boundaries when needed, but to do so with empathy. Instead of distancing themselves abruptly, they can explain their need for space in a way that reassures their partner that the relationship is still secure. This can sound like “I need space right now.  I still love you, and I will share what’s going on with me when I’m ready”