10 Conversations You Should Have Before Getting Married

Getting married is one of the biggest commitments you can make, and while love is essential, a strong and lasting relationship also requires compatibility, communication, and shared values. Before walking down the aisle, or popping the question, take the time to have these ten important conversations to ensure you and your partner are aligned for a healthy and happy marriage. Starting these conversations can be hard or even feel awkward. Sometimes you know that you want to ask about something but might not know how. We’ve included conversation prompts to help you and your partner on your way!

1. What Does Marriage Mean to Us?

Marriage means different things to different people. For some, it is a deep emotional and spiritual union, while for others, it is a practical partnership. Do you view marriage as a lifelong commitment, a legal arrangement, or a sacred bond? Discuss what being married means to you both and what you expect from the relationship over time.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, successful marriages are built on a deep understanding of each other’s inner world. Their research highlights the importance of knowing your partner’s hopes, dreams, and values to foster long-term satisfaction.

Conversation Prompts:

• What does marriage symbolize to you?
• How do you think marriage changes a relationship, if at all?
• What do you fear most about marriage? What excites you the most?

2. What Are Our Core Values and Beliefs?

Understanding each other’s values—whether they are related to family, religion, career, or personal growth—helps you gauge compatibility and avoid major conflicts down the road. For example, if one of you values financial security above all while the other prioritizes spontaneity and adventure, how will you balance these differences? Aligning on key beliefs can help avoid major disagreements in the future.

The Gottmans’ research has found that shared meaning is crucial in relationships. When couples align on life goals and values, they create a stronger bond and a sense of purpose in their marriage.

Conversation Prompts:

• What are the top three values that guide your life?
• How do you think our values align? Where do they differ?
• How do you envision our shared life in 10 years?

3. How Do We Handle Conflict?

Every couple argues, but how you resolve conflicts matters. Do you tend to talk things out immediately, or do you need space to cool down? Have you noticed patterns in how you fight, such as withdrawing, becoming defensive, or shutting down? It’s also helpful to discuss how you were raised to handle conflict—some people come from families where issues were openly discussed, while others may have seen conflict avoided at all costs. A good practice is to establish ground rules for disagreements, such as never resorting to insults or taking a break if emotions escalate.

The Gottmans’ research identifies “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” as predictors of relationship failure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Successful couples learn to recognize these behaviors and replace them with healthier communication patterns, such as using “I” statements and expressing appreciation.

Conversation Prompts:

• How do you usually handle disagreements?
• What’s one thing I do during arguments that you appreciate? What’s one thing I could do better?
• How can we ensure we fight fairly and constructively?

4. What Are Our Financial Expectations and Goals?

Money can be a major source of stress in a marriage. Talk about spending habits, saving strategies, debt, and financial goals. Will you have joint or separate bank accounts? Who will handle the bills? How will you handle financial emergencies? For instance, if one of you prefers to save every penny while the other enjoys luxury experiences, setting clear expectations will prevent resentment. Consider discussing long-term goals, such as homeownership, retirement planning, and potential career changes.

Research from the Gottman Institute shows that financial disagreements are among the top predictors of divorce. Couples who engage in open and respectful discussions about money tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships.

Conversation Prompts:

• What’s your biggest financial goal in the next five years?
• How do you feel about combining finances versus keeping them separate?
• What financial habits have you learned from your family, and how do they shape your views today?

5. Do We Want Children, and If So, How Will We Raise Them?

One of the biggest deal-breakers in relationships can be differences in parenting expectations. Discuss whether you want children, how many, and your approach to discipline, education, and family roles. For example, do you both agree on how much screen time is appropriate for kids? What about religious upbringing? Even if you’re unsure about having kids, it’s important to discuss hypothetical scenarios so you both understand where the other stands.

The Gottmans emphasize the importance of “emotion coaching” in parenting. Couples who discuss their parenting philosophies in advance are better equipped to provide a supportive environment for their children.

Conversation Prompts:

• Do you see yourself as a parent? Why or why not?
• What kind of parent do you want to be?
• How do you think your childhood experiences shape your views on parenting?

6. How Do We Divide Household Responsibilities?

Understanding how you both view chores, cooking, and home maintenance will help prevent resentment. Do you believe in a traditional division of labor, or do you prefer an equal split? If one of you is naturally tidier than the other, how will you handle potential frustration? Consider discussing how responsibilities might shift over time, such as during pregnancy, job transitions, or periods of stress.

Conversation Prompts:

• How do you feel about dividing chores?
• Are there any tasks you love or absolutely hate doing?
• What happens if one of us feels overwhelmed with household responsibilities?

7. How Important Is Intimacy to Us?

Emotional and physical intimacy is crucial in a marriage. Discuss expectations about affection, sex, and ways to keep the spark alive as life gets busier. Beyond physical intimacy, consider discussing emotional intimacy—how you both feel loved and appreciated, whether through words of affirmation, acts of service, or other love languages.

Conversation Prompts:

• How do you feel most loved and appreciated?
• What does a fulfilling intimate life look like to you?
• How do we keep romance alive over the years?

8. How Will We Support Each Other’s Personal Growth?

Marriage should support both partners’ growth. How do you plan to encourage each other’s career goals, hobbies, and personal aspirations without feeling neglected?

Conversation Prompts:

• What’s one big personal goal you have for yourself?
• How can I best support you in achieving your dreams?
• What happens if our career paths take us in different directions

9. How Do We Handle Family and In-Law Relationships?

Families can have a big impact on a marriage. Talk about boundaries, traditions, and how involved your extended families will be in your lives.

Conversation Prompts:

• How often do you expect us to visit our families?
• What boundaries do we need to set with our families?
• How will we handle conflicts involving extended family members?

10. What Are Our Expectations for Social Life and Alone Time?

Understanding how much time you expect to spend together versus apart can prevent misunderstandings.

Conversation Prompts:

• How do you recharge—alone or with people?
• How often do you want to go out versus stay in?
• What’s your ideal balance between couple time and personal time?

Final Thoughts Having these conversations before getting married doesn’t mean you need all the answers figured out right away. However, open and honest discussions help build a strong foundation for a successful and fulfilling marriage. Research from the Gottman Institute consistently shows that communication, respect, and understanding are the keys to a lifelong partnership. By addressing these topics now, you’re setting yourselves up for a marriage that is not only loving but also resilient and deeply connected.

Conclusion

Having these conversations before getting married doesn’t mean you need all the answers figured out right away. However, open and honest discussions help build a strong foundation for a successful and fulfilling marriage. Research consistently shows that communication, respect, and understanding are the keys to a lifelong partnership. By addressing these topics now, you’re setting yourselves up for a marriage that is not only loving but also resilient and deeply connected. Our couples therapist Sandy offers both pre-marital counselling and couples and relationship therapy. If you are interested in connecting with her please book a free consultation call to see how she can support your relationship!