Applying the “Let Them” Theory to Your Life: Letting Go and Finding Peace

The “Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins: The Key to Letting Go and Finding Peace

We’ve all been there—frustrated by people who don’t meet our expectations, upset by friends who don’t show up for us, or hurt by someone’s lack of support. We try to control situations, convince others to change, or dwell on what we wish they would do differently. But what if the key to peace wasn’t in changing others, but in letting them be exactly who they are?

That’s where Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory comes in. It’s a simple yet powerful mindset shift that frees us from unnecessary stress, allowing us to focus on our own growth and well-being.

I recently heard about The “Let Them” Theory, by Mel Robbins while scrolling tiktok. I was intrigued by the viral sensation and so decided to go listen to her podcast about it to understand it better. I really liked a lot of what she said, and at the same time it reminded me of some existing theories in therapy – such as radical acceptance from DBT Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Let’s dive in to how you can use the “Let Them” Theory to let go and find more peace in your life!

What Is the “Let Them Theory”?

The Let Them Theory is exactly what it sounds like: When people show you who they are through their actions (or inaction), let them.

• Someone doesn’t support you? Let them.
• A friend doesn’t text back? Let them.
• A co-worker takes credit for your idea? Let them.
• Your family doesn’t understand your choices? Let them.

Instead of wasting time and energy trying to change others, let them be who they are—and then, based on that, make a decision about how you engage with them moving forward.

Why This Mindset Is So Powerful

At first glance, the idea of simply “letting them” might seem passive or even like giving up. But in reality, it’s the opposite. It’s about releasing control and reclaiming your energy. Here’s why it works:

1. It Reduces Stress and Frustration

When we try to control people or outcomes, we create tension. But when we accept people as they are, we free ourselves from disappointment.

2. It Teaches Us Who Belongs in Our Life

When we let people be themselves, we gain valuable insight into their character. If someone constantly lets you down, that’s information—not something to fix, but something to accept. You get to decide whether they belong in your close circle.

3. It Helps Us Set Healthy Boundaries

Letting someone be who they are doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment. It means recognizing behaviours for what they are and responding accordingly. If someone doesn’t treat you with respect, you can choose to distance yourself instead of trying to change them.

4. It Shifts Focus Back to You

We spend so much time worrying about what others are doing that we lose sight of ourselves. The Let Them Theory redirects your focus to what you can control: your own actions, mindset, and happiness.

When NOT to Use the “Let Them Theory”

While the Let Them Theory is a powerful tool, it’s important to recognize that it doesn’t apply in every situation. There are moments when letting someone do whatever they want isn’t the right choice. Here are a few situations where you should NOT simply “let them”:

1. When Someone Crosses Your Boundaries

If someone is treating you with disrespect, violating your personal space, or engaging in toxic behaviour, letting them continue unchecked isn’t the answer. Instead, set firm boundaries and communicate what you will and will not tolerate. If someone tries or actually crosses your boundaries you do not have to let them. You can walk away from the relationship, verbalize what you will and won’t accept, and keep yourself safe and protected.

2. When Safety Is at Risk

This applies especially to children, vulnerable individuals, or situations involving physical harm. If your child is engaging in unsafe behaviour, if a loved one is in danger, or if someone’s actions could lead to serious consequences, it’s essential to step in and take action.

3. When It Encourages Harmful Behaviour

If someone is engaging in self-destructive habits (such as substance abuse, reckless behaviour, or dangerous choices), “letting them” could enable their actions rather than help them. In such cases, intervention and support are more appropriate than passive acceptance.

4. When It Affects Your Well-Being

If someone’s behaviour is causing you ongoing stress, emotional distress, or harm, it’s not about simply letting them—it’s about making the choice to remove yourself from the situation or establish firmer boundaries. You may not be able to control their behaviour, however you can control what you do based on their behaviour and choices. If someone is making a choice that feels harmful to them or to you, you get to make a decision to walk away or make other choices that keep you safe.

How to Apply the “Let Them Theory” in Daily Life

Understanding the concept is one thing, but applying it takes practice. Here’s how to make the Let Them Theory part of your daily mindset:

1. Recognize When You’re Trying to Control

Notice when you’re getting upset over someone else’s actions. Ask yourself:

• Am I expecting them to behave differently?
• Am I trying to force an outcome?
• Is this something I can control?

If the answer is no, remind yourself: Let them.

2. Accept People as They Are

Not everyone will meet your expectations, and that’s okay. Instead of resisting reality, accept it.

• If a friend is always late, stop expecting them to be on time.
• If a family member doesn’t support your career choice, stop looking for their validation.
• If a romantic partner isn’t prioritizing you, stop trying to make them.

This doesn’t mean you have to be okay with their behaviour—it means you stop

3. Decide What You’ll Do Next

Letting them doesn’t mean allowing people to mistreat you. It means recognizing their behaviour and making a decision that protects your peace.

• If a friend never reciprocates your efforts, you might stop initiating plans.
• If a colleague takes credit for your work, you might document your contributions.
• If a partner doesn’t treat you well, you might walk away.

You’re not punishing them—you’re simply making choices that align with your own well-being.

4. Set Boundaries That Protect Your Peace

Letting people be who they are does NOT mean allowing disrespect, mistreatment, or harm. It means recognizing their behaviour, accepting it for what it is, and making a choice about how you respond.

One of the main things I struggled with when learning about this theory was feeling like this might be too passive for me. When I understood the difference between acceptance and allowance, it made all the difference! Here’s the difference between acceptance & allowance:

Allowance = “I guess this is just how they are, so I have to put up with it.”
Acceptance = “I acknowledge that I can’t change this person, but I can decide what role I want them to have in my life”

How to Set Healthy Boundaries While Using the ‘Let Them’ Theory:

1. Decide What You Will & Won’t Accept

• “I will no longer chase after one-sided friendships.”
• “I will not tolerate disrespect, even from family.”
• “I will protect my peace, even if it means disappointing others.”

2. Communicate Clearly & Calmly
Boundaries aren’t about changing the other person—they’re about changing how you respond. Here’s an example: “I need our conversations to be respectful. If you continue yelling, I’ll leave the conversation.” Another example of this could be when a friend constantly cancels on you. You might want to say something like this: “I notice our plans often fall through at the last minute. I’d prefer if you reach out when you are sure of your schedule for our next plans”.

3. Follow Through with Action
Now…for the hard part! A boundary without action is just a request, and your boundaries are not a request, they are your boundaries. This means that there needs to be a consequence or action that occurs when someone crosses your boundaries. Here are a few examples:

• If a friend keeps canceling last minute → Stop making plans with them.
• If a coworker takes advantage of your kindness → Be firm in saying no.
• If a partner dismisses your feelings → Step back and reassess the relationship.

Letting them be who they are doesn’t mean keeping them close if they’re hurting you. It means recognizing the reality of who they are and choosing what’s best for you. I often hear a lot of misconceptions about boundaries and how they are “controlling” or “mean”. This is the exact opposite of what they are! Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others—it’s about honouring yourself and treating yourself with the respect you deserve.

5. Repeat Until It Feels Natural

At first, this mindset shift may feel uncomfortable. You’ll be tempted to slip back into old patterns of controlling, convincing, or chasing. But the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. If you are struggling with this, it could be a great thing to bring into your counselling work to uncover what your deeper fears are that are driving this need to control.

The Freedom That Comes with “Letting Them”

Imagine how much lighter life would feel if you stopped trying to control what others do. No more stress over unreturned messages, no more frustration over unmet expectations, no more disappointment in people being who they’ve always been.

Instead, you’ll have:

• More energy for yourself and your passions.
• Greater peace in your relationships.
• Clearer boundaries and healthier connections.
• A deep sense of freedom and emotional resilience.

At its core, the Let Them Theory is about letting go of what you can’t control and choosing peace over frustration. It’s a reminder that people will always show you who they are—it’s up to you to believe them and act accordingly.

So next time you find yourself trying to change someone or feeling frustrated by their actions, take a deep breath and remember:

✨ Let them. ✨

Your peace is worth it.