Seeking Individuation: Am I betraying my parents?

A second reflection from Sandy, An Asian Family Therapist

I feel an immense weight and uncertainty around the topic of independence from my parents, or as it might feel: a betrayal. Half of the reason is that, as a family therapist, I deeply value relationships and work tirelessly to nurture and sustain them. The other half stems from my Asian heritage and the ingrained belief in “honouring your parents” and prioritizing family stability over individual preferences. However, being Asian does not make anyone immune to relational challenges, even for those sincerely striving to create a happy family. One of the most difficult situations arises when an adult child finds it nearly impossible to maintain a relationship with one or both parents. I hope what I’m about to share offers some clarity and peace as you navigate this rough patch.

For those who find it hard to “draw a boundary” with their parents or who feel it’s “impossible” to distance themselves from their parents even temporarily—I’m with you. There is value in the traditional teachings of being a good son or daughter, caring for your parents in their later years, and supporting them when they need help. It’s even natural to feel indebted to our parents because, after all, we wouldn’t be here without them. But my question is: does this “debt” ever end? Is there a way to be both an independent individual and an adult child?

No matter what your family, friends, or even therapists may say, the decision is yours. You get to decide how to hold onto yourself with one hand while holding onto your parents with the other, balancing the tension between the two.

That all sounds nice, but how does one actually do that?

Think of it like holding onto two ropes—one tied to your parents and one tied to your own sense of self. If you grip both tightly with all your strength, you may feel stable for a while, but over time, you’ll become exhausted, unable to move freely. Your arms will ache, and you’ll start losing the ability to adjust or grow because all your energy is spent maintaining the tension.

On the other hand, if you let go entirely of one rope—whether that means fully abandoning your parents or completely neglecting yourself—you might feel relief at first, but eventually, a deep sense of loss can set in. Either you lose connection with where you came from, or you lose the ability to be your own person.

The key is learning how to shift your grip when needed, to loosen and tighten your hold in a way that allows both connection and autonomy. Sometimes, you may need to lean more into yourself, prioritizing your own needs and letting go of the expectation to always please your parents. Other times, you may choose to reach out and engage with your parents in a way that feels healthy and sustainable. The tension between these two forces is not something to eliminate but something to manage with care.

Just like in a tug-of-war, if one side pulls too hard, the other will either fall or be forced to let go. But if both sides hold on with just the right amount of give and take, there’s room to breathe, to move, and to find a balance that works for you.

Step 1: Make sure you’re not holding onto your parents with both hands.

Create space for yourself to be. Are you pursuing your passions—whether in your career, relationships, or personal life—or are you following a path assigned by your parents? Have you been the one holding your family together? If one of your parents is upset or disappointed, do you feel obligated to do whatever it takes to make them feel better?

The answers to these questions reveal whether you’ve “left home” psychologically. If you haven’t, freeing one hand from your parents might trigger an overwhelming sense of guilt—like you’ve “betrayed” them. This guilt can feel like an unforgivable crime.

Let’s dive deeper into this. Loyalty is one of the foundational virtues in many Asian cultures. Confucianism, for instance, speaks of the “Three Bonds” between father and son, lord and retainer, and husband and wife. Over time, the bond between “father and son” has evolved into an expectation of unwavering loyalty from children to parents at all costs.

No wonder you hesitate to free one hand from your parents – you may be worried what this says about you. Does that make you less of a “good” child? Are you disappointing, selfish, or heartless? Does it mean you’re turning away from your cultural identity or betraying your family? Am I a traitor or a disgrace to my family?

Not if you’re striving to become an emotionally mature individual. There absolutely needs to be balance between connection and separation so that being together does not mean you need to suffocate or lose your individuality, and being apart does not mean all ties are lost. 

Step 2: Accept that both you and your parents are only human.

This can feel both sobering and liberating. I personally hold deep sorrow for what my parent’s have gone through and deep respect for their resilience. However, this doesn’t mean they were always equipped to nurture their children emotionally. Thus, with understanding and respect for the older generation, I validate what their children missed in their upbringing even to this day.

Whatever they didn’t receive themselves, they likely couldn’t offer to you. Acknowledging what you missed in your upbringing doesn’t negate their efforts or make them “bad” parents. Similarly, recognizing their mistakes doesn’t turn them into monsters.

As humans, your parents probably did the best they knew how. As a human, you deserve a space to voice your truth and heal from the wounds of your upbringing.

Step 3: Set realistic goals and grieve what you’re unlikely to have.

Once you have accepted the fact that your parents cannot offer you what you are asking for, and there’s a chance that this family relationship will not get better, you can start setting realistic goals and grieve what you are not likely to have. If you walk into Tim Horton’s, you will not order Sushi, simply because you accept the reality that sushi is not offered there. The same goes for your emotional expectation for your parents.

Your best option may lie in being proactive in managing your interactions with your parents, rather than seeking emotional connection. You can express your thoughts in a clear and calm way, and this expression in and of itself is your goal. How your parents are going to react or respond is not in your control. Set emotions aside, keep the focus on a specific question or outcome, stay “professional” with your parents including the conversation topics and duration, and then you’ll have a higher chance of getting something through and maintaining peace for yourself.