Building Attunement in Your Relationships
Building Attunement In Your Relationships: Why I don’t agree with the statement “You’re the Only One Who Knows What You Need”
Have you ever been told, “You’re the only one who knows what you need”? How did that make you feel? Did it leave you feeling empowered, or isolated? Maybe it has felt different depending on who said it to you and why. This is a phrase we often say in counselling to encourage self-awareness and self-knowledge. Sometimes, we as therapists have clients come to our office and want us to tell them how they are feeling. This is when I encourages clients that they are the only ones who can truly know what they feel and need, but it doesn’t mean I won’t help them along in the process! Hearing that phrase from a partner or family member could end up being problematic in relationships if taken too literally. As a couples’ therapist, I don’t fully agree with this statement, because while it may hold some truth, I’ve seen it misused—either taken out of context or employed as a power move that can harm rather than strengthen relationships. This is where attunement becomes crucial in understanding and addressing each other’s needs. As I’ve reflected on this dynamic that comes up in relationships I put a few thoughts together to help you understand the phrase, and how it is meant to be used.
What Is Attunement?
Attunement is the ability to notice and respond to another person’s emotional or physical state in a way that conveys understanding and care. It’s more than just observing—it’s about truly connecting with someone’s feelings and offering a supportive response. Examples include:
- Noticing your partner is unusually quiet after work and asking if they had a hard day.
- Recognizing a friend’s nervous fidgeting and suggesting a break during a stressful moment.
- Sensing your child’s unease before a big event and offering reassuring words.
In close relationships, attunement fosters safety and connection. Without it, partners may feel disconnected, leading to frustration and emotional distance. Attunement bridges the gap between self-awareness and relational understanding, ensuring both partners feel seen and supported.
Attunement in Different Relationships
While a total stranger wouldn’t be expected to know what I need, that’s not the case with my husband of 16 years. Even with strangers, attunement—the ability to pick up on social cues—is often at play. For instance, noticing someone sneezing repeatedly might prompt you to wonder if they’re having an allergic reaction. Similarly, observing someone visibly angry might make you step back. In close relationships, attunement becomes even more vital.
When one partner lacks attunement, the other can feel invisible or unimportant. This emotional disconnection can deeply hurt a relationship. Recognizing this, it’s clear that the phrase “you’re the only one who knows what you need” is incomplete without acknowledging the role of attunement.
Balancing Self-Knowledge and Partner Support
While it’s important for individuals to understand their own needs, their partner can use attunement to offer meaningful support. For example, imagine a husband comes home and notices his wife is upset. One mistake would be ignoring her entirely and thinking, “It’s not my job if she doesn’t say anything.” Another mistake would be assuming he must have done something wrong and becoming defensive.
Instead, the husband could approach with observation and empathy. He might say, “I see something’s upsetting you. I remember you feeling this way when our child had a fight at school. Is that happening again, or is it something else?” Or, if he has no clue, he could simply ask, “Babe, what’s bothering you?” in a gentle and curious tone. This approach makes the wife feel seen and cared for. She may not need him to fix the problem, but she’ll appreciate his attention and support.
Why “What Do You Need?” Alone May Not Help
Asking “What do you need?” without attunement can create unintended tension. For instance, if the husband in the previous example skips observation and simply asks, “What do you need?” the wife might interpret it negatively. She could feel infantilized, as though she’s being treated like a child who should feel better after getting a “cookie”—a metaphor for a simplistic or superficial solution. For example, if she’s feeling overwhelmed and he hands her a cup of tea or offers a quick distraction without engaging with her emotions, it might feel dismissive rather than supportive.
Alternatively, she might feel like she’s being forced into the role of the sole decision-maker, expected to delegate tasks like a parent to a child. In this scenario, the wife may feel burdened by having to spell out her needs explicitly when what she truly desires is emotional connection and understanding.
These dynamics can lead to frustration and conflict. That’s why attunement is crucial—it demonstrates that the relationship is a partnership where both individuals are engaged and empathetic.
Can I Improve Attunement in my Relationship?
Not everyone is naturally skilled at attunement. Neurodivergent individuals, for example, might struggle to pick up on social cues, and coaching or training could help. For neurotypical individuals who find attunement challenging, you may not have experienced attunement in your childhood and so you never learned how to be attuned to others. If your parents weren’t attuned to your emotions, you may not have learned to recognize and respond to others’ feelings.
To build attunement, start by turning inward. Learn to respect and care for your own emotions. As you grow more attuned to yourself, it will become easier to read and respond to your partner’s emotions with empathy and understanding.
If you’d like professional guidance in developing these skills, counselling is a great place to learn how to do this. Building attunement can transform your relationships and create deeper, more meaningful connections. If you’d like to learn more you can book a free consultation call and we can go from there!
