What is premarital counselling, and is it right for my relationship?

Premarital Counselling: Taking the Next Step

Making a relationship permanent through marriage is one of the biggest decisions in life, so it’s wise to take time to contemplate and seek advice. The difference between pre-marital counselling and couples counselling can feel a bit confusing and so we wanted to share some more specific information for those contemplating marriage, engagement or a long term commitment with your partner. All couples counselling focuses on the relationship, however, premarital counselling is designed to cover a few specific topics around the relationship and can sometimes happen in a more structured way compared to typical couples counselling. The goal of premarital counselling is that both people in the couple can achieve mutual understanding of specific aspects of the relationship and of each other, and  then walk into a permanent relationship with realistic expectations, confidence and assurance.

What topics are included in premarital counselling?

Premarital counselling is a form of short-term couples counselling, which includes what couples therapists might consider “essential” topics as well as “optional” ones, so couples can plan on how many sessions they want to participate in based on their own situations. Some of these topics may not be a problem for you at all, while others are ones that would be helpful to have a guide and counsellor facilitate.

#1 History of the Relationship and Family of Origin

It is helpful for your counsellor to have an overview of your relationship to help notice any patterns in your relationships. This is where your counsellor points out the strengths and potential hardships of the relationship that you may not have noticed. You may learn insight from a third person’s professional perspective, or even come up with “aha” moments yourself. Due to the duration and nature of
your relationship, this can take 1 to 2 sessions.
You’ll notice as you share things from your current relationship, information of family of origin will come up every now and then. Couples can choose to have a session to discuss their families of origin, or just share things relevant to their current relationship.

#2 Communication

I can’t emphasize the importance of healthy communication enough, as it builds the foundation of the relationship. In my work as a couples therapist I make sure couples have some communication tools, including showing empathy and understanding, maintaining positive energy in the relationship, staying attuned to themselves and their partners, and so on. This can take another 1 or 2 sessions with practice as homework.

#3 Conflict Resolution & Decision Making

Once a couple has confidence in their general communication, we will zoom in on conflict resolution. This is also when you put your communication skills to the test. Some couples either do not have major conflicts, or they have worked through some conflicts, so for them this is
where I point out their own effective tools in resolving conflicts. For others, I tailor my approach to their specific needs or preferences to coach them to work through things as a team and strengthen their bond. Depending on the couples’ situation, this topic may take 1 to multiple
sessions.

Optional Premarital Counselling Topics

Once a couple has a realistic understanding of their relational strengths and weaknesses and feels confident about communication and conflict resolution, they have acquired the foundation to start building a life together. The following topics are recommended though optional:

#4 Financial Management & Leisure Activities

Money is one of the most common stressors in life, and one of the most common areas of conflict in relationships.  With some simple but clear guidelines, couples can choose how manage their finances together. With a financial agreement in mind, couples can either work on increasing their income as a team or spending on leisure activities while maintaining a sense of financial security. This topic can be covered in one session unless the couple already have major conflicts in this area.

#5 Physical Intimacy, Family Planning and Social Circles

Based on the couple’s comfort level, intimacy is something that can be discussed in couples counselling. As a couples therapist I hear about intimacy often and am very open to answering any questions the couple has regarding physical intimacy. One common theme that I witness is when sex is seen as an “obligation” or “performance” by one partner, which steals the pleasure away from them. The other common misunderstanding is that physical intimacy equals sexual intercourse. In premarital counselling, I help explore these beliefs and support them in exploring how they can work on the relationship together to make physical intimacy more satisfying.
Family planning is also an important topic that can be covered in premarital counselling. We discuss each couple’s desires to have or not have children, how many children, and when to start planning for these hopes. A statement such as “I plan to have at least two children, though I have other priorities in the next 3 years” is a helpful foundation for your partner to know and build on with you. It does not have to be particularly specific, however, overlooking this topic could lead to potential roadblocks or even a breakup in the relationship.
Lastly, merging social circles can be easy or difficult depending on the couple. Again, couples need to have realistic expectations in this regard, such as how to maintain their own circles after they get married, and so on. Some people have expectations that time would be spent differently after marriage, while for others this is not a topic that ever comes up and flows naturally. Since the time needed for these topics really depends on the couple, these can take 1 to multiple sessions.

#6 Religion, Ethnic Background & Parenting

If applicable, couples can take one or more sessions to discuss how their religious and/or ethnic background is going to affect their relationship and/or how they raise their children. This often comes up when we speak about family of origin, however, it can be helpful to speak more specifically about differences and concerns about those differences in a session.

#7 Getting Ready to Leave Home

This is the only session where parents (or any other family member the couple is close to) could be invited to join the couple. As the counsellor, I’ll point out that when two individuals decide to be united as a couple, it can  mean and bring up a feeling of loss to the parents, contrary to the belief of “gaining a daughter/son-in-law”. It is normal to feel grief as parents picture their children walking down the aisle. It is perfectly understandable to feel a mixed bag of feelings. The young couple can use this session to express their gratitude, and the parents can pass on their wisdom of life and bless the couple. You can see this as a ritual for the couple to leave home psychologically and unite with each other.

What Premarital Counselling is Not

Premarital counselling is not an interview to make sure the candidates are ready for marriage. Your counsellor isn’t deciding if you are ready to have a permanent relationship; rather, your counsellor acts more like a coach to help you get to the next level of your relationship and helps you along with the tools of effective communication and team spirit. I truly believe that relationships are always a “work in progress”, and there is always
potential for you to be closer to your partner.
Premarital counselling can’t guarantee that you will have a successful and long lasting marriage – if we promised that we wouldn’t be honest about our role and how counselling works!  That is simply too big of a task for any kind of counselling. I like the analogy of premarital counselling being like an assessment or X-ray that shows you the strengths of your relationship
as well as the room for growth and potential roadblocks, so you know what you are signing up for when you put on the ring. It can also help you work through some roadblocks in order to feel confident about walking down the aisle. I don’t think anyone starts a marriage with a flawless relationship; rather, we treasure and work on the relationship as we grow with our partner.

What to Expect

Premarital counselling can range from 3 sessions to several months, depending on your needs and preferences. It’s a valuable opportunity to prepare for your future together with greater clarity and connection.

Ready to embark on this journey? Feel free to book a consultation, and together, we’ll create a roadmap for your future!