How to Repair Your Relationship After an Argument: Why Saying Sorry Alone Is Not Enough

How to Repair Your Relationship After a Heated Argument or Regrettable Incident: Why Saying Sorry Alone Is Not Enough

Couples naturally have different opinions, which can sometimes lead to heated arguments or regrettable incidents. As a couples therapist, I often emphasize the importance of “repair”—how you mend the relationship after such conflicts. We are all human and make mistakes, but it’s not what you do that matters; it’s what you do after that makes a difference. Here are some insights I’ve gathered over the years on repairing relationships after conflict, including the importance of understanding the Apology Languages, as described by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Two Common Myths About Repairing Relationships

Myth #1: Saying Sorry Alone Should End It All

One of the most common misconceptions I encounter is the belief that a simple “sorry” should suffice to heal any wound. Often, couples find themselves stuck with one partner saying, “I apologized,” and the other unable to move past the hurt. To understand why saying sorry is not enough, let’s consider a different scenario.

Imagine you’re walking down the street and accidentally spill hot coffee on a stranger. Your immediate reaction would be to apologize sincerely, check if the coffee stained their clothes or burned their skin, and offer compensation or first aid. You naturally want to ensure the person is okay before parting ways.

Now, imagine you spill hot coffee on a stranger, say “sorry” indifferently, and walk away. The reaction from the other person or passers-by would likely be negative. Emotional injury is real, much like being spilled with hot coffee. Saying sorry is just one step in the repair process, but it’s not enough. In a heated argument or regrettable incident, the hurt partner needs to be seen, heard, and understood. Proper repair is essential to prevent bitterness or grudges from festering and damaging the relationship.

Myth #2: Sticking to “Forgive and Forget”

Another common myth is the notion of “forgive and forget.” Returning to the coffee spill scenario, expecting the injured party to “forgive” without a sincere apology and understanding is unreasonable. The phrase “forgive and forget” implies that the injury didn’t matter or didn’t happen, adding insult to injury. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to forget a wound, especially when it’s dismissed as insignificant.

The Importance of Apology Languages

To repair a relationship effectively, it’s crucial to understand the concept of Apology Languages, a framework that helps couples communicate their apologies in a way that resonates with their partner. Just as people feel love and give love in different ways, called the Love Languages, we also each need apologies in different ways for us to feel valued and that the person who wronged us is truly sorry. Dr. Gary Chapman identified five Apology Languages:

1. Expressing Regret: Saying “I’m sorry” and acknowledging the hurt caused.
2. Accepting Responsibility: Admitting fault without excuses.
3. Making Restitution: Taking steps to make amends and asking, “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Genuinely Repenting: Showing a commitment to change behavior.
5. Requesting Forgiveness: Asking for forgiveness and giving the partner time to process.

Each person has a preferred way of receiving apologies, and understanding your partner’s Apology Language can make your attempts at repair more effective. There is a quiz to figure out which apology language resonates with you the most that you and your partner can take here. 

How to Do the Repair Work

Understanding these myths and Apology Languages is the first step, but how exactly do you repair the damage after a heated argument or regrettable incident? Here’s a structured approach to guide you through the process.

In most cases, both partners feel hurt after a conflict. For the sake of repair, one partner should be given the chance to speak first while the other listens. Then, they switch roles. When having this conversation, the partner expressing themselves should focus on three key steps:

1. Describe What Happened: Detail the incident as if it were a news report, sticking to the facts without adding opinions, assumptions, or mind-reading. This objective recounting helps avoid further conflict and sets a neutral ground for discussion.
2. Express How You Felt: Sharing your emotions makes your words less aggressive and easier for your partner to listen to. For instance, you might say, “When you stood by my desk, I felt threatened and anxious. When you asked if I had done that, I felt attacked and defensive.” This practice, though challenging at first, helps reconnect with your partner and fosters empathy. If describing feelings is difficult, a Feelings Wheel can help you identify and name your emotions.
3. State What You Need from Your Partner: Be specific in your request so your partner can respond clearly. For example, you might need your partner to “give me some space instead of standing right in front of me” or “speak in a soft voice to show you’re not attacking me.” Specific requests make it easier for your partner to understand and respond positively.

During each step, the listener should respond empathetically, showing understanding without correcting or expressing opinions. This fosters a renewed understanding of the incident and your partner. Once the speaker feels adequately understood, the partners can switch roles.

A common mistake is rushing into problem-solving before ensuring both partners feel understood. If not properly understood, problem-solving can feel like another argument. Instead, when there’s deeper mutual understanding, both partners are more motivated to find new solutions or compromise. Remember, love and care brought you into this relationship; reconnecting with that can help your relationship grow.